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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24452920">Regaining Control</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/OmniscientWreck/pseuds/OmniscientWreck'>OmniscientWreck</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Quiet Conversations and Loud Minds [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Character Study, Feelings, Gen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 10:48:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,412</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24452920</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/OmniscientWreck/pseuds/OmniscientWreck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>How do you come back when your mind was not your own?</p><p>**Contains spoilers for Episode 55**</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Quiet Conversations and Loud Minds [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1929919</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>29</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Regaining Control</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I wrote this immediately after finishing episode 55 so who knows if this is even moderately accurate. If I'd been watching when it aired this is what I'd have written, it's sort of a re-telling of an interaction I wanted to see. I'm nervous about whether I've captured Yasha properly but please let me know what you think! Enjoy the angst.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nott and the rest of the party were long asleep, but Caleb’s mind was both racing and still. He felt violated. He had been violated. He stood up and walked, careful not to disrupt the hut he’d fabricated. </p><p>The hut, the safety he’d created with his mind. <i>His</i> mind, <i>his</i> knowledge, <i>his</i> power. Caleb was in control again and he had to remember that. Pacing, walking. Feeling his limbs and the control over them. Bending his knees because he could, feeling his face, letting his fingers brush along his beard. Feeling the way the hairs pulled and noticing the sensation of the bristles on his fingers. Grounding himself in his own body. It was then that he heard a stirring behind him. </p><p>Caleb snapped around, readying a firebolt and froze when he saw her face, eyes wide, hands up, staring back at him. Yasha looked startled, a strange look for the stoic barbarian. He extinguished his spell and shifted his weight nervously. “Ahh, sorry, I’m just eh” he cleared his throat. </p><p>“A little on edge? Me too. I can’t sleep”. Caleb nodded to her. “I just. They fucked with our heads Caleb.” Caleb’s thin lips pressed together and he nodded over to a spot a little further away from the rest of the group. </p><p>They walked the short distance silently and Caleb slowly sat down, knees cracking and muscles crying out. Yasha grunted and kneeled beside him. “I’ve never… had anything like that.” she sighed deeply and Caleb felt a deep, familiar pain release with that air. </p><p>“Ja, it’s ah- not so nice. Not to be in control, not to know what’s real and what’s not.” He sighed, memories of memories of memories drifting through his mind. Secrets he still needed close to him. But maybe she deserved to know, he began to calculate this risk.</p><p>“I thought you all were trying to kill me.” her dark eyebrows knotted with worry, it was possibly the most emotion he’d seen from her. “I thought you had turned on me. I haven’t- I don’t really have friends. I don’t connect with many people and I thought well-”</p><p>Caleb looked down to the ground, “Ja.” He ran his hands over smooth, cold rock feeling every groove, every divet as he grounded himself in the hard grey stone. “That magic is powerful. It takes the one thing we think we can keep and turns it against us.” </p><p>Yasha shifted and crossed her legs, gripping her knees. “I don’t- I’ve never experienced anything like that before. Have you?” </p><p>“Well,” he paused, unsure how far to go, “Not exactly that but in some ways yes. It wasn’t exactly the same, I wasn’t compelled in the same way but…” he trailed off, letting her mind fill in the silence before continuing. “It’s very difficult to come back from, when your mind is not your own.” he curled his hands into fists and put his knuckles to the ground, pressing hard. “I will admit I have exponentially more experience with this type of experience than you likely do. It leaves me with many questions, many doubts.” He didn’t know what he was doing here and he didn’t know why he should stay. He rotated his fists, grinding joints into the rock. </p><p>Caleb turned his eyes up to Yasha. She sat, unmoving, trying to focus. The tips of her fingers dug deep into her knees. What was she trying to feel? Was it the same as him? Searching through slight pain through stability?</p><p>He remembered the years covered in fog. The years he was broken, his mind splintered. He considered all the ways he was still broken. He calculated risk. </p><p>He couldn’t remember so many things and some memories continued to slip from him like water through outstretched fingers. On the other hand, others felt like just a few months ago, maybe a year. </p><p>Ever present the flames still burned him. He could feel the heat on his skin, and he wished it would engulf him. He prayed for blisters to form and burst, for the scarring on his arms to burn away. Caleb wished for an all consuming heat and for the world to forget him. </p><p>Warmth. A touch. A sharp breath in as he snapped out of his spiral and looked to see Yasha’s hand on his leg. </p><p>They shared a look. He put his hand on top of hers. They spoke nothing and just sat, watching each other, sharing in emotions bigger than tonight, much greater than a single fight. Flipping through grief, loss, understanding. Confusion and anger flitting across her face though she tried to hide behind a mask of concern. </p><p>He worried for her, this woman he knew so little about. She was usually so stoic he often found her cold, but here in this moment he saw himself in her. A thick wall placed to prevent pain for herself and everyone around her. Coldness as a shroud to conceal her true feelings. He worried that she was as deeply, profoundly sad as he was and he worried for both of them that there was no way out. A small part of him worried she would leave. </p><p>That part of him realized he needed to stay. In spite of the fear, in spite of his worries and concerns, Caleb began to realize he needed these people, and looking at Yasha he considered for the first time that maybe in turn they depended on him. </p><p>She pulled her hand away and he felt the void, the absence of warmth. She shifted and pulled her knees to her chest. “I am sorry. I am sorry I attacked all of you. I am sorry that I couldn’t shake it off so easily, and I am sorry for your demons and I hope we can help you hunt them down.” </p><p>His brows furrowed, “You were not yourself. It made you fear us, it made you do things. That is not your fault, just as it is not mine or Fjord’s. We were attacked, we were victims and despite all odds we’re still standing.” He believed his words. He said he was a victim and he believed it. His face relaxed and he reset. “Guilt is not easily shaken. This I know. But Yasha, this is the fault of those creatures. The fault is on the spellcasters, not on the targets.”</p><p>Yasha looked down, concentrating on the rock beneath them. “You are wise Caleb Widogast and I know that what you say is true. It’s just hard.” she looked up and met his eyes. Her green and purple eyes bore into him and he didn’t know what to feel. He wanted to feel peace, a solid comradery, he wanted to feel as though he was understood, he wanted to feel like maybe he wasn’t entirely to blame for all those years ago. And here, in the hut he made to guard his friends, sitting with Yasha who he barely knew, he began to feel like maybe he wasn’t alone.</p><p>But he knew, in his heart of hearts he was. Caleb knew he wasn’t the victim, he knew he was shit, an asshole, deplorable. Still, it was nice to pretend, and it was easy to pretend for other people.</p><p>“Ja, it’s hard. Most things are. But we’ve made it this far and while we may not all be good people, together we will do good things. We help people and we try our best and now we’re all entwined.” He almost believed that. He wanted to believe he was capable of good and he wanted to believe that they would do more good than harm but his hands found each other and he put pressure until his fingertips were completely white. </p><p>“I believe you. I can tell you don’t but I do Caleb.” He nodded to her curtly as she stood. She offered a hand to help but he got himself up, grunting. “Ja. Maybe one day. I’m sorry I could not be more helpful. I’m a little bit, no that’s not true. I’m a lot of a mess and I am sorry to burden you further.” </p><p>He began to walk back to where Nott was sleeping and a hand on his shoulder stopped him. “Caleb, you helped.” He nodded without looking back and laid down. The fire still burned but his skin felt cooler. He felt a little less pressure. He felt the ground beneath him and he closed his eyes.</p>
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